Brixen’s Birth
What I prayed for + God's plan are 2 totally different things
Warning: if you don’t like the word vagina, you may want to skip this one :)
Hmmmm.. So B3 is now 3 months old and I’m still very much in the “4th trimester.” I will say that how I felt the first few weeks after his birth has evolved as I continue to heal and transition to being a family of 5.
Many of you who know me well, know that my experience with my second delivery (Broadys birth) was actually extremely traumatic. Things escalated and quickly became out of our control. Long story short, and as a reminder– I was put under anesthesia and he was born by way of a crash c-section. Broady’s arrival to the world has completely changed who I am– inside and out. It took me a while… up until having another baby to truly feel a sense of complete healing.
Once we found out we were pregnant with #3, I knew I wanted to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) I was told by multiple providers at my practice that I was the “perfect candidate” for a VBAC, because I’d had a vaginal birth already. Going in, I knew that there was a chance that I would still have to have a c-section, but I at least wanted to go with plan A and be prepared to accept plan B if it came to that.
As with every pregnancy, I prayed and prayed for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - as mothers do. My “vision” or my “plan” was to be able to have a safe and successful VBAC—I wanted to experience that type of birth again. I wanted to labor partially at home, to be alert, to be present and to be the first person to hold B3. But then some days I would think to myself: “oh my gosh, really Jasmine ?! How could you be so selfish in wanting wanting wanting all of these things???” “what are you trying to prove?”.... And i’ll be honest, occasionally those things still cross my mind.
What I’m learning: it is ok to feel two different things at once.. to feel disappointment and joy at the same time. To feel both is ok. To feel both is to be human.
….my fellow c-section mamas know the recovery period after a cesarean birth is intense… and as a society we sometimes forget that it is a major surgery…on top of all the other physical and emotional shifts with having a baby and caring for yourself and your baby.
Everything about Brixen’s birth was different and not at all how I “imagined.” Starting with how my due date–December 3…came and went! That has NEVER happened– it was a bit shocking because with both B1 and B2 I went into labor naturally at 39 weeks. Nope not this baby– not this time.
At what turned out to be my last OB appointment–Monday, November 29 …since I had not yet gone into labor on my own and I was only 1 silly cm dilated… my providers suggested that I put a c-section on the schedule—they did not recommend I go past 41 weeks (third pregnancy, baby’s size, having had a c section previously, etc.)
I scheduled the c-section for Sunday, December 5. What would be 2 days after my due date. I was devastated.
After this appointment I cried.. For what seemed like hours. It felt like my doctors were giving up on me and like I was giving up on doing what I knew my body could do–what it had done twice before! I was finally able to gather myself and decided to listen to worship music. I also journaled and went for a long walk in our neighborhood when I got back home. The next several days seemed to drag. Contractions would come and go, but none of which were signs of active labor.
During that week (leading up to the scheduled c-section) I limited my interactions with people who were not in my house or on my every day text/talk on the phone list. I refrained from scrolling through social media and watching tv. Instead– I loved on Bray and Broady. I went for long walks and I journaled - writing to God, making lists of people and things I felt grateful for at that moment in time. I read and I rested. Why did I do this? I was choosing to follow His plan–instead of my own.
I also didn’t imagine this delivery as a calm one…
The morning of December 5 I was beyond nervous (normal feelings for someone headed to a surgery) but also anxious-excited because I’d be meeting B3 within hours! We arrived at the hospital at our scheduled time and everyone was prepared and ready for us! This was such a relief—one that I didn’t know I needed. All of the prep work was already done! The supplies needed to get me prepped and ready were already in the triage room– that was READY for us. The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and B3 was doing great , this also calmed my nerves a ton. Bradford and I prayed.. And giggled. And listened to the playlist he created for the day. And when it was time, I walked (instead of being rushed down the halls on a gurney) to the OR to prepare for the epidural.
Prepping for surgery was calm.
Getting the epidural was calm.
The person giving the epidural was calm.
My doctor was calm.
The resident doctor was calm.
The nurses were calm.
Bradford was calm.
I was calm.
I needed that clam. God knew I needed that calm.
A few minutes after surgery went underway …. I hear,
“ok mom and dad, baby is coming out!”
……and moments later Bradford yells,
“Oh! Oh! IT’S A BOY!”
Brixen Harrison Rollins
Sunday, December 5, 2021
10lbs 11oz
23.5 inches long
Grateful is an understatement. I couldn’t have asked for a more calm delivery. #3 is earthside and sometimes it feels unreal. 🖤
